So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
