i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
