I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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