How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
