dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
