Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
