My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I need to calm my uterus...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
