I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
