Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
