I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
