guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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