Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
