If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Mom said you looked used
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
