haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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