After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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