Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize