I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
