When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
