we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
