My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
