I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
