So drunk its hurt
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
