Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
