if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
