we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Verdict: uncircumcised.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
