come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
