I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
