How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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