You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
