But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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