Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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