The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
