I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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