how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can't put those talents on a resume
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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