i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize