i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
