my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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