just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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