The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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