dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
