I accidentally burped into my bong.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
