remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
