Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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