Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
