I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
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