As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
