I accidentally burped into my bong.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
