Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i came on her dog
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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