I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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