did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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