I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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