We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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