i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
