I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
