We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize